Wrote this about a year ago. Still feel the same way. Besides my location, not much has changed.

Eat Pray Love: Watching this movie today I was struck with the realness of the dialog and how similar her story is to what I feel right now. I’m only halfway through the movie, actually watching it while I write this, but when I heard the following passages I had to write them down because they are so similar to what I think I’m going through.

A scene flashes back to Liz’s (Julia Roberts) boyfriend (James Franco) giving her this speech, this suggestion about what their relationship is and how they should handle it:

”What if we just acknowledge that we have a screwed up relationship and we stick it out any way? We accept that we fight a lot… but that we don’t wanna live without each other. That way we could spend our lives together…miserable, but happy not to be apart.”

After fleeing to Italy to “find herself” she writes him a letter responding to that suggestion:

“We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, afraid of it crumbling to ruins.

Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation. We must always be prepared for endless waves of transformation. Both of us deserve more than staying together because we’re afraid we’ll be destroyed if we don’t.”

Despite the age difference, this is me right now. This situation is me. I am in love but find it insanely difficult to maintain the relationship and have also come to a point where I am ready to “transform”. I have so many things to learn about myself and about life. At the same time I’m so invested, so far down in this bottomless abyss of broken love that turning back around seems too hard, too scary, too dangerous. What if I never make it out? Unlike her, I’m at the point where I’d rather adapt to life in the abyss than experience trying to leave.

It’s not always bad. There is love in the abyss. There is so much love, which is what confuses me. How do you give up on love? How can you live with knowing what almost was will never be?

Liz seems to be at a crossroads in her life that makes me feel deeply connected to her character. She sits in a meditation room trying to clear her mind but finds her head filled with questions: “What am I going to do next year? Where will I live?” Everyday I find myself asking those same questions and to be honest, I would love nothing more than to follow her lead. Be selfish, forget about the others in my life, my connections, my family and just GO AWAY. For me.

Like she did in a painful divorce at the beginning of the film, I too am coming to an end of a deeply impacting chapter of my life and wondering what the hell I am going to do next. It’s scary and difficult but at the same time makes me feel incredibly vain. I walk past at least three homeless people on the way to school everyday. My dilemma, my big problem is that I’m 19 and graduating from college. Instead of being grateful for where I am I find myself frustrated and upset that I’m in this situation.

I want more time. I want love to be easier. And most of all I want to achieve happiness and know that my presence brings happiness to the lives of others. I’m not ready to be want I know comes next in life. So maybe I just won’t accept it. Could I really be happy in a place in life I am not ready for? Maybe I will leave it all. Get my degree in five months and leave, reaching as far as I need to obtain that happiness.